Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

It’s Okay to Feel

Susie Gutierrez

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It’s okay to feel.

Oh no. I’ve written it down. Now I have to accept that it’s true.

Nooooo. Don’t make me! Let me avoid this for just a little longer.

If I accept that this is true then all of the feelings are going to come crashing down upon me at once and it’s going to overwhelm me. I might even panic.

I am someone who feels things intensely. It’s just how my body is. I’m sensitive.

It’s not that I want to shove feelings down…I’m trying to survive.

I fear that my emotions are so strong that they will take me down.

I use food (sweets) as a way to keep my body feeling good. It’s a quick way to guarantee that I will. There’s nothing like the hit of dopamine my brain gets from sugar or carbs, even if I crash later.

But the extra weight I continue to gain is physically starting to take me down.

I’m five feet tall, and all the weight has gathered, quite unevenly, in the middle. It’s not about looks. It’s harder to move. It’s a lot harder to dance, which I love to do. I waddle everywhere.

If I sense a mountain of dread on the horizon, I will eat.

If I sense the falling sensation of extreme disappointment, I will eat.

If I am so exhausted that I don’t trust that I’ll make it through the workday, I will eat.

But if I were to stop using sweets as a way to make myself feel good…there would just be too much uncertainty.

What if I’m going about my day and all of a sudden I remember something terrible?

What if I get stuck in a negative emotion?

What if I’m simply not strong enough on my own to get through the day?

But while feeling things intensely often feels like my curse, it is also my savior.

With the capacity to feel negative emotions intensely, also comes the capacity to feel good — so good. Blissful, even. Like being high — without the need for drugs. Positive emotions are also experienced more intensely than in the average person.

Joy is sweeter. Wonder is transforming. Magic may even be possible.

I’m willing to let the difficult feelings be felt, in order to make room for the good stuff.

I’m determined to view my feeling nature as a gift.

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Susie Gutierrez

Writer. Performer. Nanny. Pet Sitter. Cackler. Empath. ADHD Brain. Everyone has a story to tell. 💛 ✉️: susieguti85@gmail.com